Updated: Jul 4
Within 15 minutes my chapter 1 ended and my chapter 2 began
My chapter 1 lasted 11,631 days. I wasn’t quite 32 years old. On June 25, 2013, at 07:30 AM, the Cyril I spent my entire life becoming died on a floor in Queens, New York. This is the last photo of him taken at 7:15 AM. Whenever I look at this picture, his eyes, facial expression and body language it immobilizes me. I wish I had a time machine to tell him not to go to work that day. I often think, maybe he didn’t die that day, he’s just locked deep in my subconscious and I have to keep working to free him. My mind questions if he really ever existed. Fifteen minutes separate this picture and the death of the person I was. I don’t even remember what the hell I did with that 15 minutes. Was it important? Was it a complete waste of my time? Why did I take the picture? Was I unconsciously leaving breadcrumbs to help me reboot myself? In 15 minutes, Cyril would cease to exist.
It’s a horrible feeling when there are missing parts on your timeline in life. It’s scary that as I read the official timeline of the events, I can’t remember almost an entire hour. I often ask God, why didn’t he just take me on that floor in Queens. I’ve heard all the cliches, “You are still here for a reason, God has a purpose for you and the best one is He needed to get your attention for your next assignment”. I know people say it with good intentions, but a similar event happened June 13, 2010, in the same location and I was able to recover. Why didn’t I recover this time?
This blog will be my Chapter Two. I have not surpassed the 5 stages of grief. I’ve been stuck somewhere in the middle. I’ve had more setbacks and losses than wins. I have spent the last few years looking at pictures, emails and testimony from family and friends in an attempt at piecing my life back together. I’ve been caught in this, “grey area”.
Everyday I have to persuade my own body to participate in society. I’ve thought of completely giving up, but for some reason God always gives me purpose and then it only makes sense to give it another try. This blog is my therapy. My voice helping someone else, gives me purpose. This will most likely be a roller coaster ride. Buckle up!
As John Mayer started in Dreaming with a Broken Heart on the album Continuum….
When you’re dreaming with a broken heart,
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering, could you stay, my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No, she can’t
‘Cause she’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone
Goodbye, old Cyril I will stop trying to find you. I will tell your story the best I can with the material you left behind. I have to start my chapter two because I know you are gone.
Chapter Two – Cognitively Grey